I have a need to be heard, and a need to tell. I cannot speak my mind in real public situations, for I tend to fear the consequences of my words or actions.
I am an Introvert. This means I cannot stand social situations for long periods of time. I have realized that they wear me out physically, so much so that I stumble into bed after and sleep like the dead.
A result of my being an introvert, I have only a few close friends. In fact, I have only 2 who seem to know me inside and out. And they really do love me, even though we hardly get to see each other. Weird, but I love them too. I have realized that I would not be the person I am now without them. Quite literally. They tolerate me and my eccentricities and even support some of them. lol
I am still socially awkward and have a hard time making new friends. I don’t always have the words to describe how I feel, especially if I have never felt that way before. I don’t speak too much to people I just met mostly because I fear them hating me. I want people to like me for who I am, not who they see when they first meet, but my first impressions always go wrong because I can’t articulate very well. I mostly just get out of their way as fast as I can and find a nice quiet corner to read.
I spend most of my time alone, because everyone I know is always so busy, while I don’t appear to be. When they are not busy, I am. *shrugs* I’ve noticed that this happens a lot.
I like to enjoy the moment; live in it. I savor everything I feel, mostly because I spend so much time alone, that I am often oblivious to other people and their emotions. I come across as insensitive because I cannot tune in or I clue in too late. I have lost many friends this way, and avoid dating anyone because I know I will only hurt them because of my introverted personality. They would want to spend every minute of their time talking with me, every minute of every hour with me. I hate phones, and I don’t talk a whole lot, even when I have something to say. I spend so much time alone that I can’t stand even a one-on-one situation. I get nervous, wonder what I am supposed to do or say, worry if I will commit some taboo act, or not do or say something they would want or should expect.
I have learned that the radio makes a great companion when one is alone. I have also noticed that one of my best friends does not even own a radio. I often wonder how she does it. I can’t watch TV because I find it too distracting and mindless. Listening to the radio allows me to pay attention to what I am doing instead of having to watch a screen to make sure I don’t miss any action.
Music is a big part of my life. Always has been. I can make up stories for a specific song and usually end up listening to that song over and over again just to adjust that story fragment I came up with. I don’t actually write it down though; I bite with details. I enjoy music and my mother has often encouraged this enjoyment, though out tastes in music tend to differ. lol
I have been reading avidly since I was about 12 and grounded. My mom would pick me up some books to keep me from sulking. It was not long before I was reading faster than she could supply. lol It always baffled my mom how I could read so fast.
Well, I do believe that is more than enough purging for now. Sorry ^^;
SilentKat (ok, maybe I am not so silent, lol)